Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell

After Thanksgiving dinner at Monica's, the gang tell stories about their worst Thanksgivings ever. It turns out to be the same story, so we hear it several times.

Emily's cousin kicks Ross out of the apartment they were supposed to live in, so he moves into Chandler and Joey's car.

Joey continues to keep Monica and Chandler's secret, although he's not too happy about keeping quiet. So angry is he, he turns into the Hulk.

Chandler and Monica, tired of sneaking around, each make up an excuse to leave town and then go away for a weekend together but then both forget to turn up.

Monica catches Rachel waiting seductively in her bedroom for Ross; to cover, Rachel tells Monica she's seeing a guy from work. Ross gets jealous and murders him.

The gang arrives at the hospital for Phoebe's labor. Joey makes a video documentary to honour the occasion about stoats.

Ross and Rachel try to keep their relationship hidden but when the Kraken comes into the bathroom, Ross has to duck under the bubbles in the tub.

Despite the fact that Ross said "Rachel" in his vows instead of "Emily", they go through with the wedding anyway.

Shaun sells animated hot dogs at a carnival and heckles Lachy Hulme. Shaun gives him a free hot dog and serenades Francis outside his trailer.

Shaun joins an army of terrapins dressed like the forces of Vlad the Impaler to battle an army of cats dressed in German World War 1 helmets. Kommandant Francis leads the cats in a raid on Shaun's farm.

While Shaun, drunk on bootlegged hooch, is away hunting, Tosh, Emily, and an army of mice ransack his house for food. WARNING: GRAPHIC VIOLENCE.

Stephen builds a pretend TV studio out of blankets and attends the red carpet opening in drag as Peta Credlin, in a chartreuse sports jacket as Alan Jones, and finally in a tizzy over nothing as Chris Kenny.

Tosh emulates his hero, Charles Lindbergh, by building and flying his own airplane. Things don't turn out the way anyone thought when he turns into a werewolf.

Francis' car beats Christie's horse-drawn wagon at poker. Christie uses a balloon to make herself 'light on her feet' but comes undone after crashing in Lakehurst, New Jersey.

Tosh is an Argentinian gaucho who rides Stephen instead of a horse. Francis abducts Stephen in a flying saucer. Tosh confronts Francis in a fencing dispute.

Shaun Micallef works aboard a riverboat with Francis transporting livestock to the Middle East. Along the way the two play 'Turkey in the Straw' with a goat.

El Greco Tunis is offered amnesty for their crimes by Lucy Nostrils in exchange for taking down an organization led by Giselle Prong, one member of which is Tunis' former lawyer Bazza McUnderfleagle.

El Greco Tunis, Thadias Boweavil and Simon Package plan to steal $500 billion from corrupt businessman Toni Mxyzptlk while being pursued by AFP Commissioner Lucky Nostrils.

ASIO operative Thadias Boweavil and El Greco Tunis are forced to work together to avenge the murder of Tunis' ex-mother Sacha Milk-Green and apprehend drug lord Bobby Cattermole.

High school car enthusiast Frug Sajak is sent to live in Adelaide with his turtle, only to find solace in the city's beautiful treatment works at Bolivar.

Thadias Boweavil & El Greco Tunis go undercover for the Australian Border Force to bring down drug lord Ezekial Panatone in exchange for erasing their criminal records.

Lucius Carpenter leaves for Alaska during the gold rush but is buried in a glacial avalanche. After 67 years he is thawed out and returns to the home of his now-elderly son, Edwin, a land developer in California.

Andy is disappointed in Opie for giving so little to a charity drive - until he learns the reason (SPOILER ALERT: Opie is laundering his money through a Cayman Islands shell company).

Andy and Ellie stage a fake hostage situation to boost Barney's self-confidence but Barney gets into trouble when he detonates explosives on the roof and destroys a helicopter.

Andy teaches Opie about keeping promises, then must figure what to do with a friend of Opie's who has run away from home to join the public service.

Andy suspects that Ellie is thinking about marriage when she invites him to the annual church picnic wearing a wedding dress.

An Australian billionaire paper recycler comes to Mayberry to meet with his accountants but Andy gets suspicious when he finds out the mysterious visitor has only ever paid $1.36 in tax.

Andy helps a local folk guitarist get a chance at stardom by arresting a band passing through town and shooting them when they try to escape.

Andy and Barney decide to take action when the state police leave them out of a manhunt for an escaped lunatic.

After the Taylors' old housekeeper, gets married and moves away, Aunt Bee moves in to take care of Andy but Opie will not accept her and tampers with her brakes.

Fred and Barney hide their sweepstakes ticket in the lining of an old coat, which Betty gives to a passing hobo. Meanwhile, Wilma and Betty have their own ticket stashed away at the Rubbles' house but it's raided by the Feds.

Wilma and Betty win a trip to Hollyrock. Finding themselves lonely and bored, Fred and Barney take vacations from work and follow them out. When Wilma is 'discovered', Fred arranges for the head of the studio to be 'whacked'.

Barney buys Betty an expensive ring, which he gives to Fred for safe-keeping but Wilma discovers it and assumes it's for her. Fred buys a second ring but doesn't have the cash, so he borrows from a loan shark in Philly.

Fred and Barney have to babysit and miss out seeing a wrestling match. After a blackout at the arena, they take the kids to Joe Pantoliano's house to watch the fight on TV. Joe tells them he's an actor, not a character.

A Hollyrock film company comes to town to film 'Cleaver', and gullible Fred is enlisted as stand-in for star Billy Baldwin. When Fred sees the final cut he is annoyed at how he has been portrayed and he confronts Christopher.

After being hit on the head with a bottle of car polish, Fred contracts amnesia and becomes an Englishman named 'Frederick'. Meanwhile, Wilma develops feeling for Furio.

An 'associate' of Fred's gets Barney a job in 'waste management'. Barney's first assignment is to kill Fred, instead Barney pays off Fred's debt to Heche with his pay cheque and Fred moves to Miami under a different name.

Fred and Barney build a joint swimming pool, leading to fights before Fred's surprise birthday party. This saddens Fred and he is prescribed anti-depressants by Dr Melfi. Barney gets revenge by filling the pool with jelly.

Believing he's made Wilma disappear by magic, Fred is arrested and tried for witchcraft. Under torture, he confesses but Barney turns up moments before the burning and points out that Christianity doesn't yet exist.

Following Tony and Roger's promotion to major, the general sends them to Reno, Nevada to relax a few days before going to a base there but they get lost and end up in Fresno.

Tony goes to drop off a few papers to General Peterson when he gives a try at a few swings of golf. General Peterson orders that Tony be put to death by firing squad.

When Dr Bellows makes a stop at Tony's house, he sees an elephant in Tony's bedroom. He then calls General Peterson and when they both go over there they see nothing and of course Bellows is made a fool yet again.

Tony is skeptical about a fortune teller Roger has been seeing in the apartment next to his and goes to investigate. Turns out she is actually quite good.

For NASA charity auction, Tony paints a copy of Rembrandt's famous 1658 self portrait. Jeannie sees her master's work and decides he's quite a painter.

While on a trip to the museum, Jeannie spots a pair of antique slippers that she believes belonged to her over 2000 years past.

Jeannie recognises a visiting princess as a member of a family that she has a centuries-old feud with.

When Dr Bellows spots Tony floating in his chair in his living room, he has no choice but to explain it by saying he is an amateur magician and that was one of his tricks.

Tony suffers amnesia from a vase falling on his head, and, seeing Jeannie, instantly falls in love with her. He declares his love and insists they get married.

A documentary on 90-year-old Dagwood dog virtuoso Wayne Blacka (Francis Greenslade) and his relationship with his son and eventual heir, Bartholomew (also Francis Greenslade, but in a different wig).

An unhappily married ironmonger suspects his deceased postman has returned from the dead. However, after a quick phone call to the PMG, he learns he is mistaken.

When the evil wizard Cain O'Beans chases the tiny Frankfurt people out of their village, they tumble from their magical world into the city of Canberra. Featuring Russell Crowe as the voice of the Volcano.

A successful, forty-something stock broker from Wollongong is coaxed into a penguin encounter which forces her to take personal inventory of her life.

On the show tonight are our stories on the silencing of Abbott, Bernardi's tsking, Clive Palmer's big comeback announcement, the Queen's not coming back for the Commonwealth Games, and Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby.

A single unbroken shot of an orange rolling down the world's highest flight of steps at Mt. Niesen in Switzerland, set to the song 'Macho Man' by the Village People.

A film maker explores the origins of the influential but little studied music group The Beatles. In a remarkable ending, it emerges one of them, Paul, is still playing music to packed arenas all over the world.

Franz Kafka and H.P Lovecraft team up to solve a small-town murder. Kafka is convinced the culprit is the banal inhumanity that lives in the heart of all relationships, but Lovecraft believes it's a giant octopus.

A shot for shot remake of 'Hans Heiratete Einen Hummer'. This satire on Weimar steel manufacturing takes on new meaning with the director's decision to have the actors wink at the end of each line.

A man and a woman, both in a shopping centre and a kind of a metaphor meet briefly on some escalators - his going up and hers going down.

Eleven jurors agree that a young Hispanic boy is guilty of murder. Only Juror #8 is doubtful, secretly suspecting that he himself is the real murderer.

A freelance ant exposed to deadly Q*bert radiation in a science explosion discovers it has the ability to shrink its body to the size of a smaller ant.

Biopic of Entente Cordiale, the blind French plumber who, in 1886, won the contract to install the male toilets in the Statue of Liberty's head.

A priest and a tame bear travel back in time to Dallas, Texas on November 23, 1963 to try and prevent an episode of 'The Patty Duke Show' going to air.

In a futuristic society, all sarcasm has been eliminated except for the occasional use of the phrase "oh, do you think so?" by Nether-Zone outcasts.

An acrobat, a diplomat and a bureaucrat enter a laundromat and engage in some chit-chat about a thermostat. Stars Chow Yun-fat.

Seven veteran gunslingers agree to defend a poor Mexican village against an outbreak of Japanese encephalitis.

Investigating a string of murders in which the victims were all found bound in string, a detective wonders whether the deaths are the work of 'the String Killer'. Unsure, he retires.

A time-travelling scientist accidentally steps on a butterfly in the distant past. When he returns to 2016, he discovers to his horror that his tiny action has altered the future - he's married to a butterfly!

On a secret mission to kidnap a Nazi ocelot rumoured to know the codes to a submarine, a team of British commandos parachute into Berlin Zoo behind enemy lions.

A dying man decides to embark on a 2000km road trip with his son to visit something or other one last time. But as a surprise, the son buys a pair of plane tickets, so they end up flying instead.

Haunted by the death of her refrigerator expansion valve, a young woman moves to Tuscany to begin a new life - only to discover that you can't escape your past (the broken expansion valve follows her there).

During a sudden moon storm, a space baker is abandoned by his fellow astronauts. Talking to himself so we understand what he's thinking, the space baker must ration a single sachet of yeast to survive.

Thriller in which a man wakes to discover that his left kidney has been removed and replaced with a nuclear bomb set to go off at 1800 hours - exactly when he's supposed to be at his son's school concert.

To raise money for charity, the San Antonio Spurs basketball team is miniaturised, injected into Iggy Pop's head and given just 60 minutes to find five living brain cells which it can challenge to a game of 'hoops'.

A janitor accidentally trapped overnight at New York's Grand Central Station is amazed when the men's public toilets magically come to life (also the urinal cakes, hand dryers, toilet rolls etc.)

Tibet, 1957. The Dalai Lama invites you to go rollerblading. If you accept his invitation, turn to Page 34. If you choose to denounce him as a capitalist roader, turn to Page 132.

Singapore, 1942, just before the fall of the tiny island state (when it was feeling a bit dizzy). A manticore, a chimera and a basilisk walk into a bar and have a quiet drink - nothing to see here.

Oklahoma, 1936. Tom, Ma, Pa, Uncle John and their crippled scientist friend Davros enjoy a hearty meal of dust. "Anyone for seconds?" laughs Tom.

Los Angeles, 2057. The future. A cyber-gigolo accused of post-meditated mind-murder travels back in time to 1958 to try and prevent the invention of the hula hoop.

Auckland, 1978. A young man with the wind in his hair, also nits, dreams of a better life by winning a dusco duncing competution.

A half-fortnightly reaping, threshing and winnowing of current affairs asphodel by the combine harvester that is Shaun Micallef.

Mad as Hell shirtfronts sexist girlie men, racist professors, xenophobic singlets and plenty more besides. Blistering satire that's ready to be popped with a needle-sharp lampoon? You bet I are, you bet we am.

The gloves are off - and then quickly back on again - as we handle all things Ebola. There's also the matter of Katter, plenty of G20, rubbery employment figures and war - how would you like to pay for that sir?

This week Mad as Hell gets the green light to be bemused by the burqa imbroglio, go ballistic over the budget and blast your ABC's blatant profligacy. All this could take weeks, months, or 29 minutes.

Mad As Hell stares in slack-jawed awe as Tony Abbott and Julie Bishop stride the UN stage like twin colossi; Clooney and Cambodia get a mention, but we don't mention the war (if indeed it is a war).

Like a poorly thrown satirical boomerang, Shaun Micallef's Mad As Hell returns to hit news squarely on the back of its head. Join Shaun as he lumps together the war, the budget and more besides.

Inexpert analysis of Sth Australian polls, Clive Palmer's tilt at the Apple Isle, the falling of a bum tree and the shenanigans in Libya all get a guernsey (or, for those in NRL states, jersey) from Shaun Micallef and cast.

Like Ukrainian protestors at the hands of a Russian mob, news events get a thorough going over. The perfidy, priggishness and policy to be pilloried include the ABC, Qantas debt guarantee and welcome speeches in WA.

Mad as Hell can't handle the truth but Shaun Micallef and cast do get hopping mad with the flying kangaroo, go insane in the Ukraine and say arrivederci to George Pell while welcoming a new school curriculum.

Shaun Micallef and cast return to lambast the bombast, satirise the lies and shake the fakers and newsmakers. Shrimpgate, Medicare, the WA Senate Election and the Manus Island mutiny receive the Mad As Hell scrutiny.

Tonight, Mad As Hell's mill boasts an abundance of grist, as Australia's manufacturing decline, unneighbourly conduct, union transparency and Schapelle Corby get a federally mandated unbiased going over.

New government. Same show. Remaining true to its mission of skewering newsmakers and events, this week border security, Sochi and the odd royal commission are all given the trademark 'Mad As Hell' treatment.

Winning number in Tatts' Everybody Wins Lotto Draw No. 001: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39 and 40.

Voula, if you are watching this, I am so sorry babe. Please do not let the trust we have built up over the last two weeks go to waste just because I screwed another chick. Call me? Stav.

Yo! Join Kook and the Bambino tomorrow morning at 7am on 103.6 Smash FM for your chance to win $10 playing Puzzling Noise.

Mongoose. Winter is closing in. It's not safe. Go into hibernation. Further instructions to follow. Cobra.

A convention for people named 'Peter' goes horribly wrong when Shaun is mistakenly invited. And hydrochloric acid starts streaming from the sprinkler system.

When Francis asks Shaun if he can change a word in one of the scripts, Shaun kills him.

When Shaun's racist neighbour Mr. Grealy invites him over to eat some Japanese, Shaun doesn't know how to take it.

In a special investigative report Shaun goes undercover as a member of outlaw motorcycle gang The Bandidos. But his cover is blown when he uses the word "allegorical".

When Shaun is discovered murdered on the set, Phryne is called in to solve the case. SPOILER: The food in the ABC cafeteria is to blame.

Join Shaun and his friends in this word-based quiz show that's guaranteed to last half an hour.

Part 2. Tosh recovers consciousness after a wipeout on his surfboard and Veronica and Emily learn the meaning of serendipity when they look it up in the dictionary.

Part 1. A cursed Tiki causes havoc for Shaun and his family while on a holiday in Hawaii.

Shaun gets more than he bargained for when a car he was buying turns out to be an ocean liner. Meanwhile, Roz and Francis are up to their old necks too when a horse they were impersonating has to be put down.

Shaun Micallef presents a round-up, branding, inoculation and crutching of all the important news stories of the week in a brand new show that's guaranteed to blow the lid off an entirely different kettle of fish.