GeoWizard: No Roads Mission

As I leave the fields and enter the urban area of Aldridge, several tall, sharp obstacles threaten to impale me and my rucksack, but it was something far more innocuous that caused a rather unfortunate bag malfunction, and in the worst place possible.

It's back down the alleys as I advance with some trepidation in the direction of my Nans house. With plenty more monster fences to climb and plenty of people to watch out for in this final section, it would ultimately be the arteries of the industrial revolution, the canal and railway track, that would cause me the most grief. But can I persevere and deliver what's left of my Nan's shopping list to her door step? and in the 3 hour time-frame?

Introducing my grubbiest mission yet, the black country no roads mission. The Patreons among you may remember me marauding my way through my hometown of Aldridge during the first lockdown delivering items to my relatives, without using a single road. Well, I figured it was time to revisit the format, but this time delve deeper into the vast urban ocean that is the West Midlands.

The smutty journey through yam yam land continues. In part 2 we venture boldly beyond the glacial M6 and into the heart of the black country. Arriving at the gates of Dudley zoo by 5pm is imperative, so I'm hoping that Wednesbury's old abandoned railway track isn't too overgrown or fence laden. If I'm lucky I might even have time to take a little detour to the oldest pub in the black country for some local delicacies..

You re-join me at the most pivotal moment in the mission - the tram construction site in southern Wednesbury. At some point my claustrophobic wait for the gates to open will come to an end. Will I be able to run past the security? or will I have to search for another way round? Later obstacles include an old flooded Victorian tunnel and two of the sketchiest fences of the mission, all of which will slow my desperately dehydrated figure down even more. The result is an anxious final mission through the famous black country living museum, in an increasingly unlikely bid to reach the gates of Dudley zoo before they close..

Back in April I convinced my poor brother to join me once more as we made an audacious attempt to cross the entire city of Birmingham, from Sandwell in the west over to Solihull in the East, without using and roads or canals. With more people, more security, more filth and sewage and some of Birmingham's most knife crime ridden housing estates, this one promised to be a serious step up from the already challenging Black Country Mission from back in 2021. There had to be slightly more leeway whilst crossing roads this time, but some of the shit we had to go through more than makes up for that I reckon.

We've already made it into Birmingham city centre by the skin of our teeth, now it's time to head north east into the highly secure wholesale market site, before delving deep into Birmingham's grimy underworld. Used needles, dead rats and endless streams of foul smelling slime litter our path as we snake northwards towards the M6 Motorway and the river Tame, where we realise that our job is most certainly not done.. Will we make it all the way over to the borough of Solihull without having to succumb to the tarmac? be sure to watch all 45 disease ridden minutes to find out.

Today I finally get to show you my maddest mission to date. A daring raid on a city of 9 million people, 32 vertical miles and countless tall spiky fences. It's Birmingham times 10, and I honestly didn't know if it would be possible going in. A few miles in I was even less sure. But I kept going, and the results are both thrilling and hilarious. Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for the ultimate urban adventure. A tale of endurance, stealth, stress management, but above all conquering fears.

This unhinged urban adventure continues with part 2 of 3, and we’re about to enter the beating heart of the city. Things have already been trickier and slower than expected up until this point, but with fence riddled schools, apartment complexes, and construction sites standing between me and the Thames, there can be no dilly-dallying. Can I smash my way through it all? Or will a series of unexpected obstacles in Canary Wharf spell the end?

My most ambitious/mental urban adventure to date draws to a reluctant close, but I've saved all the best content till last. My ticket to the southern edge of Greater London is now via the Ravensbourne river, a fascinating but sometimes filthy semi-subterranean tributary of the Thames. My decision to leave it temporarily results in one of the most exhausting shortcuts ever taken, and a subtle flaw in my route late on that leads to one of the most wretched ordeals me or my uncle Ed have ever experienced. Will we make it out of the sewers and complete the mission with no deviations? or will my luck finally run out...